Goodbye, old paint.

So this seems to happen every weekend, just when I think I'm about ready to get wild, I get soft, I ache for home, and I always end up leaving early, enjoying my ride on the subway home reading about Indians or the unconscious or right now, astral projection, more than I did drinking beers in crowded rooms listening to loud jams. I get all claustrophobic, and feel tiny like a feather, and I feel like I am getting lost in the crowds of people that I just don't know. I pissed outside with some girl I didn't know because I couldn't wait to piss inside, when the line snaked around and took forever. We were freezing, we held hands, we said our thanks, we said goodbye. But I don't know what it is. My time alone becomes more precious, and I think contentment sometimes is sitting at my desk, beading, carving, drawing, making whatever, turning up the thermostat, listening to Arthur Russell and being stoked about life.

Each of these vacation nights I have been staying up way too late, making things, thinking about shit, whatever. Every Friday, I go up and visit my family and my pets (Percy the ornery bunny, Charlie the wildly handsome labrador, Oscar, the chirping finch.) And I spend the late nights going through albums, reading old journals, always feelings something, unsure of what, in regards to my intense magnetism towards managing things for posterity. I have bags and bags of old photos. I have stacks of old journals that go back to when I could barely write, and thought that you were supposed to put periods in between every word. I have tapes of me playing guitar, I have archives of shitty magazines, I have old sketchbooks, song books, guitar books, albums of baseball cards, notes on big ideas. All for posterity. And look at me now, writing in the middle of the night, after a night of drinking beers, listening to loud jams, and then a long subway ride and walk through howling cold winds, telling all about my aching for posterity, while I archive it lucidly in the void of the internet!

I dunno. I just want to play tennis and ride horses.